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ronin1
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| Joined: | Saturday January 21st, 2006 |
| Location: | S.F. Bay Area, California USA |
| Posts: | 632 |
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Posted: Monday April 7th, 2008 12:12 am |
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Russian Bride Child Rearing…
One of the big issues in WM/RW relationships is in the methods and manner of child rearing. I’ve seen these issues as being devisive for infant mortality of marriages with existing children and building battles for those who create their own families.
This all comes down to expectations. Many WM may feel that they have put their efforts up front by committing significant resources in finding, meeting and extracting their fiancée out of Russia. Some men even go so far as to go into serious debt to do this. Then comes the additional expenditures for the marriage, honeymoon and costs for getting the wife established in the new society. Many men end up having some debt to cope with all this. Certainly these are mostly money and time matters, however the man is the provider and must shoulder the burden to pay for these expenses. This may mean having to work longer and harder to pay for just the past and current benefits that the wife enjoys.
However, the RW often doesn’t see it that way. To her, she may see accepting marriage to a WM as a means to an end. They are trading life in Russia for a shot at having a ‘strong family’ in a foreign land. Remember that Russia is a cash and carry society. Russians don’t recognize debt as we know it in the West. Consequently, your expenditures and debts to get them to the West are often NOT considered as an effort on their behalf. They didn’t see you suffer to make that money. So boiling it all down, RW may not accept WM’s previous expenses or current debts as reasons to be considerate to a WM. To RW this is all history, they didn’t experience it or suffer through it so therefore it has no concern or relevance to them. It doesn’t go into their pile of “good deeds” if they have such a place for that.
On the RW side, they are expecting the WM to not necessarily be handsome but be a consistent provider and good husband and father. Now, the “good father” part is not what you may expect. They expect a model father in the Russian fashion. Unlike the western methods of child rearing where we use every convenience available to make child care easier, RW rarely take advantage of this. In fact they often shun them. They use the tried and true ways that are very time and labor intensive. It is their children and they will suffer in great amounts to care for them in their way. If RW are given the opportunity, Russian babies will wake-up and fall asleep in their mother’s arms. Often, RW will sleep with their babies for many years tending to their every call. In this way RW are excellent at raising children, however in the “good father” model, the husband is to share in this suffrage of intense labor. Considering that for a RW, child rearing takes nearly 100% of her time, other duties may go neglected and unless the husband shares in the child rearing process the well oiled household will grind slowly to a halt.
There is no doubt about it that the first years of a child are very labor-intensive regardless of what the mother’s origin or culture. RW are not “plug & play” mothers, however they may have some very high expectations. Sometimes these expectations may seem unrealistic to WM.
In practice, Russian Women are used to having the entire family sharing in the care of her children. Often a whole family will live in one apartment (mother, grand-mother, assorted relatives and offspring). There is usually someone there to look after the children while the young women work to bring home the bacon. In the real Russian world, it is more the rule that both parents must work (if they can find work) in order to support one household, especially if they have children. This leaves childcare primarily to the relatives that are either students, unemployed or are pensioners. If a Russian mother had a model husband/father, he would be able to support the household single-handedly so that she would be able to stay home and take care of her children herself. This really means that she would spend ½ to 2/3 of the time taking care of the children since she still has the home support network of relatives.
This is where some RW may have unrealistic expectations. If a RW marries a WM, she may well have her model provider in that he can support a household on his own. Many AM past their mid 30s have this capacity if not encumbered by too many obligations. However, the financial burden of transplanting a RW plus the ongoing expense to support an “at home” wife and child puts the husband in a position where he may not have as much time and energy at the end of the day to be that “model father” in the RW eyes.
In addition, the RW maybe expecting that she will inherit her husband’s relatives as an informal social network that can take care of her children. This assumption is not a conscious one, but nevertheless can have a great impact on the relationship if not present. Many AM may not have a close network of relatives that are ready, willing and able to assist in child rearing. Even if they do, many RW will become very suspicious of their methods, as much of it will run contrary to Russian practices. Consequently, she will tend to rely on the husband to assist her in the day-to-day routines. Unfortunately, this is the rub. After 10 to 11 hours on the job, 2 hours on the road, and an hour or two to take care of errands that the wife doesn’t have time to do, the typical husband arrives home at the end of the day with precious little time to unwind before hitting the sack, let alone having any time to help with the little tots.
If you don’t have a close family at home that can help out with the children, spell it out before getting married so the RW fully understands the situation. There are many things that don’t get talked about because of assumptions made by both parties involved. This is a classic one that always seems to be forgotten until a new life comes into the picture.
Ronin
Last edited on Friday October 24th, 2008 01:59 am by ronin1
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