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ronin1
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Posted: Saturday February 25th, 2006 03:27 am |
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RW Packed Bag Test…
The RW species (metaphorically speaking of course) can be mysterious in their ways. Another one of RWs’ endearing attributes is that they don’t do the head trips of testing their mate or intended. However, there are plenty of things that they will do that can be easily construed as testing. If you respond to the effect without truly understanding the cause, your response may well be to throw away a perfectly sound relationship.
One of the most significant and trying of these apparent tests is the ‘packed bag test.’ This is an ordeal for both. Typically this will occur at anytime(s) once your RW arrives in your homeland. What triggers it is a combination of homesickness, language barrier (between her spouse, intended and/or society as a whole), isolation, uncertainties and unknowns just to name a few. The end result is that the RW may not be a happy camper and may solicit your attention in various ways to help remedy the situation. If your efforts are not enough to console her and she is out of options to express her state of mind, then she may invoke the ‘packed bag test.’
Often, this maybe preceded by an intense argument (of course) about how your homeland is inhospitable, does things not in a Russian way and/or that you don’t love her (enough). This can be followed by everything being thrown at you including the kitchen sink (metaphorically speaking or not). Then, she will with teary eyes ask or demand to go home... immediately.
The dilemma is determining if this is an apparent test or a real request. As WM, we often must by law and/or civility consider it a real request. And if it was just an apparent test, we must honor it as well for the same reasons. With very young RW, (18 to 22y.o.) the likelihood of being a real request is much higher than with older RW. This is by no means the end of a relationship. Still, what transpires from this point will make or break it.
The RW goal is her need to be assured that you love her enough. What is enough? Well, that depends on how much she loves you and thinks how much you love her (customer expectations) and what her new life expectations are.
A RW secondary goal is to determine how much power in the relationship you will give to her for staying with you. In a RW eyes, this is not a test, unless you call a battle of wills a test or WWII a test. Many RW will readily fill a power vacuum in the family to make sure no one else will fill it and for the continuance of the integrity of the family. The fact that they maybe the cause of that power void is not relevant. The fact that power was yielded so easily, presumes that it was better off in the hands of a RW to begin with. In Russia, power is not given away so lightly.
To be continued later...
Last edited on Thursday December 18th, 2008 08:20 pm by ronin1
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ronin1
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Posted: Tuesday September 12th, 2006 06:41 am |
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On one hand, it is poor form for a man to yield to a woman when it is demanded. Sure, one must show love and affection while at the same time display strength and stability. This is where I refer to the iron hand in a velvet glove. Russian Women are expecting it of the man they will have as a soul mate. However, when the ‘packed bag test’ has been invoked, the RW perceives that there is something missing. For if the WM were all that she needs to complete herself, she should not be feeling homesick, displaced or distraught in any manner despite the rather extraordinary circumstances of being transplanted to another country. Perhaps this is a bit of idealize Romanism tied into the idea that life in a foreign country will be like the “lived happy ever after” scenario, but this is a facet of RW.
Regardless, the RW has to be snapped back into reality, gently. On one hand the WM must convey the he loves her. Not a mushy love but by being resolute in his conviction that he will stand by her no matter what. The he will do all that he can to help her. This is the love that she needs to see. Often a WM when confronted by a ‘packed bag test’ will throw in the towel in a resentful manner chalking up her ungrateful mannerism as a rebuke to his leap-of-faith in bring her over in the first place. The other extreme is to make concessions in pleading for her to stay. One-way is a sure fire way of throwing out the baby with the bath water. The latter is that it would have been better to throw out the whole tub.
IMO, what is called for is a measured response (sound familiar). Convey that you love her and that you don’t want her to leave. Say that you will spend more time to help her adjust to the strange environment. Perhaps even suggest a visit home within some nearer time frame (don’t mention it if you don’t mean to do it). This can help reduce her anixiety a bit. These are not concessions but things that you would have done anyway but have not told her yet. Many times this is all that is required to closed the lid on the packed bag test. Regardless, it is not a short lived arguement. This may take a day or two. Be prepared to taked some time off work to counter this event.
Another tack is to convey that you are willing to let her go but it would kill you if you did... or that you would die without her... you need (not want) her love. This is playing more into the melodrama, however if the RW as very romantic notions, this may well appeal to her. You must follow your words with repeatedly physically holding her and releasing her. Many RW that have been influenced by communism are ingrained with the notion of suffering for a cause. If the cause is love then a display of verbal and phyiscal sufferage is proof of your sincerity and perserverence in the cause of love. The ideal is not to show that you are conflicted in decision but resolute in your love for her.
The WM should be prepared to bet the farm. It’s high stakes with an even higher reward. One doesn’t clench the hand full of sand. This is when you pony up and let it ride. Instead of yielding you should wielding your power as the head of household should. If she leaves, she has real doubts about the relationship. Perhaps even in herself. It would be better that she goes. If she stays, the conflict will help the RW grow closer to you. For it is in the effort of arguing, investing the time and energy to resolve the crisis that the RW knows that you will stand the test of time with her as a family.
Unlike WW where conflicts are the nails in the coffin of a relationship, a RW sees them as fasteners of a relationship. To argue is to confirm your love for her. This is why they (RW) don’t see them as weapons that are to be brought out over and over again.
This is some serious sweet stuff if I’m calling it correctly. A lot is counter to how things are thought of in the western countries. YMMV.
(Don’t forget that a Russian arguments are serious heated discussions, not a slamming session as it most often is in the west.)
Ronin
Last edited on Thursday December 18th, 2008 08:53 pm by ronin1
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RQRose
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| Joined: | Monday October 27th, 2008 |
| Location: | Tampa, Florida USA |
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Posted: Monday October 27th, 2008 08:24 pm |
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What if when she came over, you brought her mother and father with you for the wedding and to help her get comfortable? Weddings are expensive anyways, and it isn't proper not to have both sets of parents present. (I think it's actually considered bad luck in Most religions...)
Also, what if you acquiesced to your RW when she threatened to leave until she felt comfortable, and then you took off the velvet glove? I think it's dangerous to your relationship to be too harsh too soon...
I'm not about to BEG for her to stay, but I might put on a show of tears for her, heck they might even be real if I Love her.
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ronin1
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Posted: Tuesday October 28th, 2008 08:56 pm |
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RQRose,
The 'Packed Bag Test' is perhaps something that you don't want to postpone or delay. It should happen before the wedding. This crisis is best to occur before the wedding before you have something serious to lose (like a mariage).
You want to find out if your RW is really going to stick with you through thick-and -thin. She is looking for the same thing. If the relationship can't survive a 'packed bag test' how will it stand the trials of a life long marriage? This will be one of the first real serious arguments that you may have. Will she aquiesce to your arguments and pleas for her to stay? Will, you be done with it and throw in the towel and not bother to argue with her. This is something that most WM/RW couples have to survive. A WM/RW relationship requires dogged tenasity from both sides. Without it the relationship is doomed from the start.
Ronin
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